hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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