take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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