you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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