Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
