Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
