And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
