if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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