you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
