I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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