You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
