a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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