I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
