I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize