I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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