If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
