Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
