yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
