is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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