I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
