Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize