my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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