she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
