My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
