he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
