Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
