you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize