Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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