I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
