Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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