I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
