The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
