Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
