If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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