we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
