Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
