I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
