She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize