hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
