Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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