Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
