They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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