If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
