I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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