you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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