I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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