She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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