just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
