i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
