omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
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