Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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