I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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