Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
