I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
