i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
