Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
