Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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