At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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