Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
