im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
