I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
