I just cut my nipple shaving
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
