I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
