Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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