you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize